Today, many healers, seekers, therapists, and preachers are claiming that forgiveness of your perpetrator is a necessary pre-condition for living emotionally free. 

We see many so-called experts jumping on a “blame” bandwagon without realizing the deeper systemic consequences at hand.

Bert Hellinger, renowned philosopher and developer of Constellation processes plus Spirit-Mind movements, reported for many, many years the following two truths:

  1. There is a hidden symmetry and order to love within a family system that follows an invisible grid of hierarchy seeking balance. This symmetry is an invisible world much like gravity.
  2. We do not see these “inherited conscious dynamics” but they are a hidden force that supports everyone and affects us from birth to death.

As a 23+ year Constellation healing expert, I have experienced these bold statements to be true with countless clients seeking healing.

If the desired goal is to release oneself from familial pain or suffering, the practice of “forgiveness” can become detrimental to both the Forgiver and the Forgiven when the hidden family symmetry is reversed.

The reason? It places the Forgiver in a position of superiority over the to be Forgiven and reverses the family dynamic. This superior attitude of the Forgiver becomes bigger than the actual perpetrator and actually diminishes the effectiveness of release.

Systemically speaking, we would call this being “too big,” arrogant or presumptuous. The result? This act robs the perpetrator of feeling and experiencing the necessary guilt or responsibility that is needed to uproot the dysfunctional family dynamic.  

The “forgiver” actually perpetuates the pain of victimization in an unhealthful way — upon themselves and, unconsciously, upon others as well. Even if it was our parents or any person who has wronged us or we feel perceived “harm,” it stays frozen in our psyche. Forgiveness can also disrespect the bigger fate and destiny of our whole ancestral line. In doing so, the “forgiver” attempts to elevate him or herself to the “top” of the whole hierarchical system, as if he or she was the creator of life itself.

Ultimately, the arrogance of showing pity on these poor little subjects under his or her command is self-defeating. In reality, the most recent addition to any larger family system has no right to judge those who came before, as they are the newer members in the larger hierarchical framework known as a family. Sure, we all have our opinions and feelings, and these are in no way meant to be negated, but if anyone truly wants to break the cycle of Perpetrator/Victim, “forgiveness” is NOT the best way to do it. It is then the “victim” who carries both energies of (Perp and Victim) thereby hurting themselves.  The heavier energetic load of toxic baggage will and does enslave them to the past without healing or resolution.

Practicing the “Art of Forgiveness” without understanding the underlying dynamics at play can damage the “forgiver” on many levels. We’ve all seen people who have attempted to “forgive” their parents for decades, only to be stuck repeating their own family of origin dynamics in their current relationships. Or others who have been in a perpetual “forgiveness” cycle with parents, but still stuck in mountains of pain that feel immovable. That’s because there is a better way to heal systemic family dysfunction.

There is a way out! Acceptance

In my decades of experience, it seems only humble acceptance, “humility,” can consciously bring about a more harmonious resolution.

Constellation healing offers a simple, profound, and complete way to heal while leading to the restoration of love, order, and harmony for all concerned. This liberating state of “non-forgiveness” is simply called “ACCEPTANCE.” Can we be small enough or humble enough to acknowledge our place in the larger structure and context of a multigenerational timeline of forebears or aggressors from whence we came?

We received the “Gift of Life” through our family despite their suffering and turmoil. This dualistic condition in which we are living provides wonder and horror equally. The key is to honor and accept life itself AS IT IS. This action of accepting imperfection (even the living dynamics of catastrophic change) will lead us back to our inner and outer harmony, providing us with dignity and strength even if we were forced to be anyone’s victim.

Acceptance allows all parts of the family system to remain as they are, in an ordered hierarchy of love, which ultimately is the reason we are here today.

These strengthening qualities help us to accept “life’s” gifts and challenges equally, even with the unexpected precarious situations that seem to continually cross our paths on a daily basis. It really is the ACCEPTANCE of everything “as it is,” from our families and outside forces plus our human history can create a deep inner peace. This will release us all from the chains of the past and allow us to create a better tomorrow.

A Primer on Acceptance

The arrogance of “forgiveness” weakens us, the humility of “acceptance” empowers us.  G. Stuart

It is our choice to decide what feels best and does the most good. Always remember, we did not create the cycle of life nor its paradoxical dynamics. We are merely living participants, as our day in the Sun only lasts for a very short time.

This is your chance to enjoy, transform and better yourself and your children. It also applies to those who came before us and did this for us, whether we perceive it or not. Taking our rightful place as the smallest member of the family system allows us to evolve into something greater. Honoring everything with gratitude and ACCEPTANCE breaks the cycle of slavery to Forgiveness that can unintentionally bind us. The ACCEPTANCE of life “AS IT IS” along with accepting our family system, plus parents “AS THEY ARE” along with our larger family system “AS IT WAS” relieves us from our self-appointed role as judge and jury towards our history within the family system.

The challenge is to remain neutral without judgment, thereby leading us to accept all the good things we inherited at a deeper level.

By letting those who wronged us or hurt us carry their own “perpetrator/victim energy” we can heal our own wounds. In doing so, we essentially release ourselves from the situational negative entanglement. This also allows the power of fate and responsibility to rest where it belongs — with them. You can attain true freedom from the bondage of the past at lightning speed with these simple realizations.

Acceptance is such a powerful mental state that it has carried the entirety of the Alcoholics Anonymous twelve steps since 1935 and birthed a myriad of sister organizations, all based on a self-similar first step, which is…

“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.”

Alcoholics Anonymous, (

The principle behind this step is acceptance, and until addicts master it, all of the other steps are meaningless. Acceptance is similarly just as important in your family dynamics.

This isn’t about blaming or shaming others for any of the choices they made. It is about honoring your own part in it. It’s the acknowledgment and unconditional acceptance that create the healing release.

Most horrific incidents occurred in a place and time pre-dating your birth into the family system. On the deepest of levels, you probably precognitively agreed to this fate with this human family long before you arrived. They didn’t ask for what they received, which makes us all the same.

Accepting these simple truths will free you and strengthen your resolve without any need to “FORGIVE.”

So what does this process of acceptance look like in a tactical, practical form?

Remember, every PERPETRATOR was a VICTIM first!

Gary Stuart

A powerful Exercise to not forgive but accept in order to energetically release and heal

  • Bow Down in thankfulness and gratitude as you ACCEPT the “Gift of Life” the way it was given. “BOW DOWN”
  • Bow Down to EVERYONE who came before, as their energy remains alive at your innermost core. You often see the world through their eyes.
  • Bow Down to the suffering and strife that your ancestors endured, surviving the conditions that led to you receiving the “Gift of Life”.
  • Bow Down to all the pain that life may have caused, for you are the JOY of their toil and labor that can’t be ignored. Your BIRTH was the hope of a better day.
  • Bow Down yet again to your parents, even if their “gifts” to you weren’t apparent.
  • Bow Down to the mysteries of life that often fail to make sense; it’s God’s way of showing there’s always another chance.
  • Bow Down to it all, no matter what you think. If you do not stop to do this, your life can be gone in a blink.
  • Bowing Down is a humble act of honoring those who came before. If you can’t Bow Down to your creators, then what in your life means more?
  • Bow Down…

To download our bow card, click the image below